The quest for external validation:

I attended a test today, and found a lot of friends there for the same purpose. After the challenging test, we started buzzing like a swarm of bees, asking one another, "Hey, what answer did you get for this question?" "Did you answer all the questions?", "Are you sure this is the right answer for this question?"

In a world where we are expected to trust our own judgement and be independent, why do we still look for others to confirm that we are doing the right thing?

It is the quest for external validation, a human tendency. Man is a social animal, patently guilty of the safety in numbers principle, sometimes derogatoraly referred to as the herd mentality. We need to be constantly told that our house is in order. We need the validation from others.

Not only do individuals require external validation from other individuals, but communities need external validation from other communities. The hordes of Japanese youth in Harajuku sporting blond hair is an attempt for external validation from the West. Even the Japanese pop scene has been modeled around the West, where pop icons are vertically marketed and branded with the youth in mind. Even a proud community like the Japanese occasionally look for external validation.

We give more weightage to external validation from certain individuals and communities, and less weightage to external validation from other individuals and communities. A few years ago, an Indian movie starring a Tamil superstar became popular in Japan. Indians were very pleased, because Japan, a developed country, a technologically advanced country, accepted one of their movies, so they felt they must be doing something right. The fans of the superstar were all the more pleased, and used it to build their hero's brand. The external validation from a powerful nation was valued.

If we follow the tendency to look for external validation, there will be no end to it. But the world belongs to those who assert their ideas with confidence. If we keep looking for external validation, we would be like the centipede which doesn't know which leg should move first. Our indecision would incapacitate us and impede our progress. Resist the natural tendency to look for external validation. Be assertive, we are as right as anyone else in this world.

To complain about darkness or to light a candle?

Yesterday, after one of my two-hour lectures, everyone was complaining that two straight hours was too much, and we could could not concentrate for the second hour. They commented that the lecturer should give us a ten-minute break after the first hour, so that we could concentrate better during the next one hour.

But nobody seemed interested in going to the lecturer and suggesting that he gives us ten-minute breaks. Someone had to do it, so I decided I'll do it. I suggested it to the lecturer, who said he will consider the suggestion.

I'm reminded of the old saying that instead of complaining about the darkness, we need to light a candle. I don't know why many of us lack the initiative to do that. Have we slowly learnt to shortcharge ourselves? If so, then we need to unlearn it quickly.

I'm quite fed up of hearing people say Asians are too afraid to speak. But sometimes, the truth just stares you in the face. One of my lecturers asked a simple question: "How many of you has heard of Google?" A good round number of people put up their hands: Zero!

It was getting embarassing, and to salvage the situation, I raised my hand. The lecturer said, "Okay, one person has heard of Google. That person should get an A for this subject!"

I'm amused and amazed at how people behave as if they are exposing themselves to a line of fire by raising their hands. Similarly, going in front of an audience is often considered similar to exposing yourself to a radioactive environment. Quite often, people say, "If you do something wrong, I'll make you go up and sing a song." Why is it such a punishment to sing a song in front of an audience? What's the worst thing that can happen? Singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. Is that really a punishment?

The cocoon of comfort is a wonderful place. But if we stay there, how can we metamorphosise into something that can add value to the world? Caterpillars leave their cocoon, turn into butterflies, add beauty to the world, and pollinate flowers, adding value to the lives of millions of plants. All this by leaving their comfort zone. Let's do that.

I've always been fascinated by the concept of the 'gongsi' (a Chinese word meaning common ground, connection, networking factor). The entrepreneurial success of the Chinese has been based on finding common ground for networking. It's a case of functioning with a 'we' attitude rather than the 'I' attitude.

If you look for differences, you'll find only differences. But look for similarities, and you'll find the world a wonderful place. As a Singaporean, every day I mouthed those immortal words "regardless of race, language or religion". That has made me look for similarities rather than differences. That brings me to my first 'gongsi': being a Singaporean.

When I start talking to other Singaporeans about army days, I can talk till the cows come home. Where was this guy, what is he doing now, etc, etc, occupies many of the conversations I have with other Singaporeans. And since I can speak the standard Singapore English, that adds to the gongsi.

Every community you belong to can give you that gongsi. Being an alumnus of a particular school is a gongsi. Having a certain interest is a gongsi.

Sometimes, even if we don't belong to a particular community, an awareness of a particular community gives you a gongsi with a person belonging to that community. Yesterday, I was grappling with an elderly lady in a restaurant who didn't seem to know much English. I asked, "What is this?" a few times without getting any response. I decided to switch mode. I asked, "Zhe shi shenme?" (What is this) in Chinese. Her face lit up, and the ice was broken. Although I can be visibly seen as not being a Chinese, being aware of the Chinese language gave me a gongsi.

My Indian roots are a treasure trove of common factors. I am naturally aware of the way the Indian operating system processes information. Despite having grown up in Singapore, my awareness of India means I have a lot of common ground with Indians. I must be the only Indian from Singapore who knows and enjoys three Indian languages. Hindi, the language of Bollywood, has an ability to transcend cultures and impact even non-Indians. Tamil doesn't transcend equally well, but anyone who's a part of the Tamil community has some great humor, music and richness to enjoy. And my awareness of the Malayalam language surprises both me and the Malayalee community. Being Indian also means Rama is a respected friend, and Krishna is a member of the family. When we need focus in life, who better as a mentor than Arjuna?

I cannot identify with people who choose to divide rather than unite. Did you know that there are people who come from the same place and speak the same language, but stay away from each other because they belong to different castes? I've never understood those sentiments. When we talk about cutting across race, language and religion, isn't it even easier to cut across caste?

I've tried to learn from communities who network well based on common ground. The Chinese are certainly like that. Among Indians, some communities, like Malayalees and Sindhis, are good at it. The Tamil community I belong to is not known for its networking abilities, but I've tried to break the mould. Among the communities I belong to, the Singaporean community is the one community which is good at networking. So my networking abilities can be attributed to the fact that I'm a Singaporean.

There are some phrases from songs which run in my head, reminding me of the importance of having a network of friends. Toot gayi jo ungli utti, panchon mile to ban gayi mutti (A single finger which rises can be broken, but when five come together, the fist is formed). Ulagathin selvandhan aana oruvan oru laksham sondhangal saertha manidhan (A rich man in this world is someone who has gathered a million relatives)